All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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