Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
