nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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