I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
