Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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