brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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