Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Randomize
