It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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