My liver just broke up with me...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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