so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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