T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
