There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
