I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
