My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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