I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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