i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
