whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
