So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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