The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Can Purell be used as lube?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
