I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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