Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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