I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
