I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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