how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
