Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
