i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
