I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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