The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
