Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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