here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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