I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
