Quick, to the slutcave!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
