i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
someone owes me an orgasm
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Randomize
