I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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