The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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