Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
