he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i came on her dog
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
