My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize