I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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