Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
