At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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