My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
