I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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