I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
