dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
