This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
