My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
