You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
