Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
