i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
