his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
