like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
