I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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