I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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