We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
