she was so not down for the gang bang
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
