hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
