If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
