Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
