no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
