After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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