we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
